Paragraph Revision

Here I have the original paragraph for my essay and the edited version. The sentence fluency chart really helped. I used forms of "to be" SO MANY TIMES.

(Original)

The specific selecting of scenes that portray Treadwell as somewhat unstable invokes viewers to question and attempt to understand the complex man he really is. Immediately, viewers are drawn in to the documentary and want to understand the enthusiast. The legacy of Treadwell is without a doubt captivating, and the documentary only adds to the evidence of Timothy's passion. In the documentary, Herzog included audio from Treadwell's parents. They claimed that their son had always been fond of animals and seemed to be an ordinary child until leaving for college. However, Treadwell appears to be quite childlike in his later years when interacting with the animals. It seemed as if he thought the bears could do no wrong and that they would not hurt him. This resulted in a lack of sympathy from some of the interviewees that Herzog chose to put in his film. For example, Sam Egli who was featured in the documentary stated: "My opinion, I think Treadwell thought these bears were big, scary looking, harmless creatures that he could go up and pet and sing to, and they would bond as children of the universe or some odd. I think he lost sight of what was really going on"

(Edited)

The specific selecting of scenes portray Treadwell as somewhat unstable. They invoke viewers to question and percieve the complex man for who he really is. Immediately, viewers are drawn in to the documentary and want to understand the enthusiast. The legacy of Treadwell is without a doubt captivating, and the documentary only adds to the evidence of Timothy's passion. Around (Specific Time), Herzog includes audio from Treadwell's parents. They claimed their son had always been fond of animals and recalled him to be an ordinary child until his departure for college. Treadwell is noticeably childlike during his interaction with wildlife. His constant shift of mood between shooting and interacting indicates an underlying issue. He assumed the bears could do no wrong and emulated them to ensure his safety. This resulted in a lack of sympathy from some of the interviewees that Herzog intentionally questioned for his film. For example, Sam Egli who was featured at (Time) stated: "My opinion, I think Treadwell thought these bears were big, scary looking, harmless creatures that he could go up and pet and sing to, and they would bond as children of the universe or some odd. I think he lost sight of what was really going on"